Lost and Found

By Hannah Lacy

I lost myself in late nights spent with you, in early mornings just me and you. 

And then - I found myself too. 

I found myself in the late nights we’ve had together, I found myself when it was just us before the sun came up, when it was just your little voice fingers and toes.

I lost myself when my hands were full with all the needs that everyone had. And then- I found myself. I found myself, I found the artist the dreamer, the daughter; joy seeker hiding in the mundane-ness of daily tasks. 

I found myself when I took care of you. 

I lost myself in new curves, new gray hairs, dark circles, new scars, new numbers. 

Then I found myself in a new strength and a new beauty. In a new God given glory. In a new softness a new grace and a new endurance.

I lost recognition and acceptance in a role and position many don’t value or understand. I lost the affirmation of strangers who used to nod in approval when I had a different answer for “what do you do?” 

Then I found affirmation from God, who called me to raise you and love you and be changed in the raising of you. I found acceptance every time you smiled and recognition every time you reached for me to hold you.

I lost my confidence as an unknown anxiety grew, fed by exhaustion and doubt. An anxiety fed by comparison. 

And then- I found myself too.

I found my confidence fighting for you. Every time you got sick, every time you were hurt. Doubts were erased when I took my place as your mother.

I’m finding myself in peace and acceptance too. You don’t need a perfect mother or a better mother you just need your mother. 

I lost myself in trying to create a perfect home, a better home.

I found myself  when I just created our home instead.

I lost my joy when I questioned my importance, and my purpose. When I felt so small.

I found my joy when I saw the lasting significance of my presence with you, of our time together. Now I see it’s huge. 

I lost  my drive for passion and dreams feeling guilty for anything that might take me away from you. Then I found my passion and dreams when I realized I would accomplish it; in not in spite of -but because of you. That you were my motivation and inspiration. That I wouldn't pursue without you- I would pursue it all with you. 

I lost peace when it all felt too much. 

I found peace when I learned I wasn’t meant to do it all. 

I lost myself when I felt weak. 

I found myself when I remembered your name means God is my strength. 

I lost myself when I feared you wouldn’t exist.

I found myself again when I learned about your existence.

I lost myself in a never ending mess.

I found myself in the joy that comes with chaos. 

I lost the mother I was before you. 

I found the mother I am with you. 

I lost control, I found peace. 

I lost perfection, I found Joy. 

I was lost in the pain that I might never have you, I found beauty when I held you in my arms. 

I lost hope and then found restoration when you joined this world. 

I’ve lost all the answers and found more questions. 

I lost regret and found the present. 

I lost a manageable life, I found an abundant life.

I lost expectations, I found growth.

All when I found you.